the labor story: overcoming wicked self-doubt

when morgan was first handed to me after delivery, my first thought was, 'oh my gosh, this is mya #2.' they looked exactly the same to me. upon further study, i realized that morgan wasn't as long as mya, 3/4 inches shorter at birth. her eyes were more almond shaped and less round.  her cheeks were pudgier.  she was 2 pounds heavier (of which i only became palpably aware as she descended the birth canal). suffice it to say, she is actually quite petite-looking and most of her 0-3 month clothing is too big for her.  i was really mesmerized by my second child, this beauty. i couldn't get over how she resembled her sister so closely, which brought memories of mya's birth 6 years prior, (almost to the day).

tuesday, january 24th, i had a doctor's appointment scheduled. i was one day passed my due date. my doctor wanted to 'get labor started'. i won't go into detail but it was enough of an invasion that i was really struggling as to whether or not i wanted anything to be done. on the one hand i wanted my body to go into labor when it was ready. on the other, i was being warned that baby was on the large side and i didn't want her to get any bigger on the inside.

i woke at 5 am to contractions. i was able to stay relaxed enough to go back to sleep for an hour before getting up and getting a hot shower to relieve some of the pain. 'nesting' set in and i began doing all the chores that i do each day, feed the pets, empty the dishwasher, etc. actually, i hadn't packed for the hospital yet because so few clothes still fit me at this point i had to keep wearing, washing, packing my stuff. so i did laundry, finished packing, and checked email. i think it was 7:45am before bryan woke up and i told him i was pretty sure morgan would be coming that day. so he packed, too! we ate a hearty breakfast of scrambled eggs and turkey bacon, got mya all situated at grammie and grampie's, and began focusing on our birth plan.

i knew i wanted to labor at home as long as possible. the hospital can be such an uncomfortable place. we stayed home until i began to have high blood pressure symptoms, which went away on their own but were enough to send me to the hospital to make sure morgan was ok.

by God's grace we were able to have a doula at this birth. the word 'doula' means 'servant of women'. she's an emotional and physical support for moms, before, during and after delivery. SO thankful for our doula, susan. she has the opposite personality of mine and bryan's, which we needed, and she was a great resource throughout.

with morgan being bigger than mya was, this labor was twice as painful, that's right, TWICE as painful. i delivered mya without an epidural, not because i intended it to be that way, but because i didn't feel like i needed one until the very end. this time around, the epidural was not an option for me. i reached a point where there was no question whatsoever, i needed pain relief to get through labor with enough energy left for delivery...well, ideally that would have been the case.

morgan had her fist up by her cheek, adding to the circumference of her cranium, separating my skeletal structure in such a painful way that i was either going to push her out in two seconds and need reconstructive surgery, or i was going to get pain relief and take my sweet time. i chose the latter.

i will always remember the name of my pain reliever. 'joe'. when the epidural set in, i announced we were changing morgan's name to 'josephine' and would call her 'joe' for short. bryan didn't comply. if i had had feeling in my legs i would have walked to joe and kissed his feet, but alas, i could only gaze at him from the hospital bed and tell him that he was a gift from God. he said, 'i hear that a lot'.

what a glorious experience is an epidural!  my personality returned.  i watched tennis, ate some ice, laughed about how 'crazy' i got with those contractions.  i told my doula to take some time off, go for a stroll, get something to eat.  bryan asked if he could go to the bathroom, and i was like 'sure, use our bathroom at home, it's much cleaner'.  i asked the nurse if i was having contractions and she said, 'every couple of minutes' and i laughed and said, 'really!  no kidding.  i can't feel a thing.'  ah.  praise the Lord for pain relief.after an hour or so of resting, it was time to deliver morgan. i was a little bummed. i was really comfortable just 'chillaxing' (for my fellow 'chill' lovers).

what happened over the next 2 hours and 57 minutes surprised everyone, including me...i had no energy to deliver my baby. i was starving, having not eaten since breakfast, i was exhausted, having labored since 5 am, and i was just done. it was like trying to run a marathon with the stomach virus. my muscles would not work, not to mention that i couldn't feel them anyway. i had nothing to give. i was completely disconnected from the experience.

i had a phenomenal nurse. kayla. she was an literal answer to prayer. she was so kind and patient with me. our conversations went something like this: she told me, 'i see black hair on this baby's head', i was like 'whatever, you can't see her head', she was like, 'you're really moving her!', and i was like, 'no i'm not, you're just saying that', she was like, 'good job, lisa! you're doing it', and i was like, 'then why isn't the doctor here yet? hm?' finally, i just gave up. everyone decided to let me rest some more.

 my blood pressure was dropping. i took medicine. it came back up. morgan's heart-rate dropped and then normalized. all the while, i clung to the side of the bed saying, 'i'm not trying to be difficult. i have nothing left'. bryan prayed with me. he prayed the perfect prayer, for strength and comfort and peace. i was thinking, 'that's nice but it won't work'. susan gave me a cloth with peppermint oil on it for energy. i smelled it and told her it wasn't helping. she sat down in a chair, out of ideas. NO ONE knew what to do for me.  i looked down at my belly and realized, morgan was still inside, she still had to come out...somehow. i was beginning to get anxious.   surgery sounded actually like a really good option. oh! the self doubt was viscous!

the nurse went and got my doctor. he came in and asked what was wrong. i told him, 'i'm sorry, i have no energy to get this baby out, dr. roesch. so...i don't know what you want to do...but...i'm done'.  throughout my pregnancy, i thought my doctor was likely going to recommend surgery.  he's a surgeon, after all.  he talked about it as an option since morgan was weighing on the 'hefty' side.  he talked about her shoulders getting stuck, and recommended inducing early.  i just saw him as someone who very well may rush me to surgery unnecessarily.  my doctor surprised me.  he said, 'lisa, baby's almost here. she's doing everything right, totally cooperating, her head is in the right position, your body is doing really well, baby's heart-rate looks strong, you can do this, one push at a time. rest as much as you need to in between.'. he didn't leave my side again.  he stayed for the remaining 45 minutes, coaching me and encouraging me, even though i doubted.  wow.  i thought of what he said about little morgan, who was doing everything right, and was just waiting on me to do my job. how selfish i felt.

then the nurse went and got the biggest mirror i've ever seen. she said, 'you need to see for yourself, your baby has dark hair and is almost here!' and from where i like to believe came from God himself, came the biggest motivation i've ever had to do anything. thinking i might pass out but i would at least pass out trying, i pushed for i don't remember how long.  soon my second daughter, morgan skye was placed on my chest at 10:57PM, in all her naked glory, smelling like the ocean and all things natural, slippery and crying the most beautiful cry. i couldn't believe it. we did it. morgan and i did it.  we survived delivery together.

i thank God for his strength, for all of the prayers of my family and friends. 17 hours of labor. a lot of self doubt. one amazing husband and doula. a kind doctor and nurse.  and a beautiful baby girl joined our family.

THE END

'the camera test'. bryan was giving me the camera test. if you can still smile for a picture, you're not ready to go to the hospital yet. here i was half smiling, so half way to being ready to go?



dr. roesch:



our first picture together:



bryan and morgan's first picture together:



this whole day was a really special time for me and bryan. it was a bonding experience, for sure. i am so thankful for my husband, how faithful he is to support, love, and care for me. we worked very well together this day.

i remember being overwhelmed with how thankful i was for him at this moment:

 

doula extraordinaire, Susan: